Has Millennial Parenting Gone Too Far?
+ 4 reasons why you're parenting right. You know, in case some asshole asks.
This is part two of a four part series. If you haven’t yet, please read: Issue 8. Vol. I: Millennial Parents – Why are we the way we are?
“Just put the kid down.”
As I watch the video, I’m honestly flummoxed by how fucking obvious the advice is.
The woman in the green screen portion of the TikTok video (the background) is holding her young son, who is hitting her in the face during a tantrum.
She tries to reason with him, “Lucas (or Hunter or Grayson or whatever), please don’t hit mommy. I know you’re upset. I see that. But this hurts mommy.”
As the hitting continues, the head of the person stitching the video pops up. As they roll their eyes, they lay the advice smackdown heard ‘round the millennial world: “Just put the kid down.”
It’s simple. It’s reasonable. It communicates everything without invalidating his feelings – and the best part is it isn’t punitive or petty. It’s elegant in its simplicity, really.
But we’re a generation obsessed with not fucking it up. We know what it feels like to be fed line after line of bullshit, and we don’t want to do that to our kids. We want to validate their feelings. We want to be gentle. We want to show our kids respect and actually earn it back from them. Is that so wrong?
Well, it depends what you mean by gentle/respectful parenting (Note: In this article, “gentle” and “respectful” parenting are interchangable).
The misconceptions about gentle parenting are vast – starting with the scene I described above. Because contrary to what many may think, that wasn’t gentle parenting.
So what is it gentle parenting, then?
The parent above may have been striving for gentle parenting, but they missed the mark in that specific interaction. Who among us is parenting perfectly all the time? Exactly.
The problem comes when we see an interaction like this and dismiss gentle parenting on the whole. Usually, when people are describing what they don’t like about it, they’re actually describing “permissive parenting.”
Very Well Mind describes permissive parenting as: “a type of parenting style characterized by low demands with high responsiveness.” While there may be love in the home, this style does not include consequences or structure.
At its worst, permissive parenting is when parents are checked out and not doing the work. For example, giving into a tantrum just to have it go away, rather than teaching a child to navigate disappointment and regulate their emotions (Yes, I know. Sometimes the best thing to do is just give in. But in this style, that would be the norm).
If respectful parenting isn’t permissive, what is it? According to Claire Mooney, a Board Certified Behaviour Analyst and Educator with over 10 years of experience and the founder of Shine Space Parenting, respectful parenting is aligned with what’s called “authoritative parenting.”
“I think gentle parenting is more of a philosophy where we agree that children deserve to be treated with respect,” says Claire. “Instead of trying to control them, we work with them in order to gain their cooperation through mutual respect. A lot of the strategies used in gentle parenting are aligned with authoritative parenting.”
It’s about being fair and consistent with consequences, being nurturing and loving, and letting your kids express themselves (yes, even if you don’t love what they have to say). Authoritative parents are supportive, set fair boundaries and are involved in their children’s lives.
“Where a lot of people get stuck with this parenting style or philosophy,” continues Claire, “is that they don’t know how to have that warmth, mutual respect and emphasis on feelings and social emotional learning, while also upholding boundaries. That’s where they fall into that trap of being permissive.”
The other end of the spectrum is authoritarian parenting, where we see yelling, punitive punishments, battles of will. It’s basically the “because I said so” and “you will respect me” version of parenting many of us grew up with. Sometimes there’s even corporal punishment (aka, spanking), of which the World Health Organization condemns any and all use of physical force to discipline children, by the way.
So even if we’re not doing it perfectly every day, any logical, mature and at least attempting-to-be emotionally regulated adult can see that authoritative parenting makes sense (All bias showing here. I’m not a journalist).
So, fellow gentle, respectful, authoritative parent, next time you find someone rolling their eyes at your “soft” approach or telling you “they’d never let their kid blah blah blah,” here’s what you can say:
1. When I know better, I do better
There’s a photo of me where I’m about three-years-old. I’m sitting in a car seat that honestly looks like it would cause injury, and inexplicably holding a 2 litre of orange crush. Peak 90’s behaviour. But if this were just 10 years earlier, I probably wouldn’t even be in a car seat.
However, the data’s been overwhelming: Car seats save lives. So we started using them. Then they got better and we started using those. Every decade – every year – we become better equipped to care for the safety of our children.
Today we know a lot more about children’s developmental psychology than ever before. We understand what our children are capable of, and what they simply are not – and all from a very real, evidence-backed perspective.
We also understand that some behaviours, while annoying (let’s say, for example, whining – it kills me), are not a moral issue. Kids who whine aren’t “bad” and kids who don’t aren’t “good.” Kids exhibit behaviours that stem from a need.
Our job as parents is not to squash their ability to express, but rather to help them learn how to more appropriately express themselves as they grow.
So the people who rattle on about “I’d never let my child do blah blah blah” as though the mark of parenting success is a 3-year-old who doesn’t tantrum or an 11-year-old who never talks back, well, I’ll put this bluntly. They’re either speaking from a place of pure ignorance, or they’re being kind of stupid.
2. I don’t want to normalize treating people like shit
When we teach our children to bow unquestionably to our authority, we’re not shaping strong, fulfilled people who will grow up to be whatever you think sounds successful. No, we’re creating scared, disempowered adults who will either take shit for most of their lives or dish it out.
When you spend 18 years or more pummelling your child into submission, you’re not creating a well adjusted, happy person – even if you’re pleased with the outcome.
The truth is, if you have a perfectly obedient child, you have a scared child. This child will likely grow up believing, subconsciously at least, that they deserve to be talked down to and treated like shit. They’ll choose friends, partners and even workplaces that will repeat this pattern for the rest of their life.
3. I’m thinking about my child’s future
Or, they may go the projection route and exhibit narcissistic tendencies.
There’s a lot said about narcissists these days. It’s not a label I often use because I don’t necessarily believe in pathologizing others. I do, however, believe we all have the capacity to exhibit narcissistic behaviours and there’s some decent evidence around this idea to at least consider it.
Let’s just say that one possible risk of choosing to ruthlessly rule over a child who is literally powerless against you, is that they turn to narcissistic tendencies to cope (It’s like when a man is rejected, only to turn around and say she was ugly anyway… Pure narcissism).
At the end of the day, what is a narcissist but someone who cannot relate to others? Who cannot be vulnerable? They’re someone who lacks real intimacy with anyone because they cannot stand not controlling and they see their self image – their ego – as paramount over real connection.
It’s a lonely, lonely life, plagued with self loathing – even if they look like they’re on top of the world. So maybe it will or maybe it won’t ever be a problem for the authoritarian parent, but we can be damn sure the child will suffer. And worse, that said child will perpetuate suffering on their own child(ren), should they become a parent.
4. I want a relationship with my child when they’re grown
That is, unless the child of an authoritarian parent does the brave work of confronting the reality of their punitive childhood. Then your family may join one of the 1 in 4 in America who is estranged.
Here’s the thing: Our children owe us nothing. We owe them everything. It is our job to be the adults in the room. Our job to foster a deep and meaningful relationship with them. Our job to make sure that the second they grow up and have one ounce of power, they’re not clamouring to escape.
To the estranged parents out there saying, yeah, well my kid stopped speaking to me as soon as I stopped giving them money I ask: What else were you offering? If money was the only reason your child wanted to speak with you, why might that be?
Maybe a childhood filled with disrespect and oppression (no, that’s not dramatic just because it’s so normalized) didn’t leave them feeling close to you. Maybe being gaslit when they share their perspective isn’t their idea of a good time.
But I get it. It’s hard to just, like, start respecting our children out of nowhere if we spent the first two decades of their life overpowering them. That is exactly why we’re starting now.
From day one we are doing our best to show them respect – even if we don’t understand the things that drive their systems into dysregulation. We’re doing our best to validate their experience of literally becoming sentient.
But we also know there’s no guarantee this will pay off in a transactional sense. More and more of us recognize that our best effort won’t guarantee us anything as parents.
So I’m not doing it for me.
I’m doing it for them. Everyday I think about what I might be getting wrong. I try to focus on doing my best, but also with the knowledge that one day they won’t be dependent on us. On me.
And then they will make a choice. They will be the ultimate judge of whether good enough was good enough. My only choice will be to listen. So much of the work I am doing now is to be ready to rise to that occasion.
Because, after all, what is “good enough” parenting?
Stay tuned for the next issue of this series where I dive into the paradox of “good enough parenting” and the damn near crippling anxiety so many of us feel when we don’t knock it out of the park every day.
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