Momfluencers: What does Elyse Myers owe us?

Did the internet really “bully” TikTok star Elyse Myers off the app because it’s mean-spirited, cruel & foaming at the mouth to dethrone a reigning darling?

The ‘Momfluencer’ series examines the online moms & trends you’ve probably heard of.

I first came upon Elyse through a motherhood video. The conceit was that everyone kept calling her a “Supermom” while she was clearly struggling and begging for real help.

It’s true. That ever elusive “village” is often replaced by empty platitudes about the hardest job in the world, with no life raft in sight. I was sold on her unique storytelling, and her humble, kind and relatable affect.

I also liked that she was a “momfluencer” who didn’t exploit her child. I don’t know what her kid looks like, and I could be wrong, but I haven’t seen a video that would be humiliating when they’re grown.

So when she began to take off, I was thrilled for her. Everyone was. She was an Unproblematic Queen. Millions of followers, TikToks with Lance Bass, red carpets… It was fun to watch her live it. To see an average mom, a seemingly good person, recognized for her talents in a way that most of us will never be.

Until she quit TikTok after refusing to break silence on the genocide in Gaza. Irate fans in a para-social relationships shamed the internet for “shaming” sweet Elyse.

So what happened? Just like the personalization of the algorithm, I can only tell you my perspective. [TW - next paragraph references to violent imagery]

My perspective begins in late October with my first, “worst” experience of this genocide. A picture of three babies, lifeless on the floor, faces burned off. It took nearly 10 minutes for my brain to compute that these were real, human children. Not a video game, not a movie. Innocent babies killed.

[End Trigger Warning]

Today this is no longer the worst image I’ve seen, and I know Elyse has access to the same internet as me. It’s why she is Elyse Myers. It’s also why I looked at her content, her wit and alleged kindness, and believed she was thoughtful, intelligent and able to do any of the same research I’ve done.

But does that mean she “owes” us? Well, I guess the answer to that is maddeningly subjective.

To me, anti-racism, humanitarianism and liberation are inherent parts of motherhood. Many of the motherhood influencers I followed explicitly spoke about “kindness” and “raising good humans” on their platforms. Yet there was so much silence about a genocide we are literally watching.

After a few months, if an influencer hadn’t so much as reposted about the senseless, ongoing and real-time violence unfolding against women and children in Gaza, I unfollowed. It’s anyone’s right to feel like the people we align ourselves with share our values.

Look, there is no way to convince me that killing children and innocent civilians is justified, or is something we can ethically ignore. So if you’re silent while your tax dollars and complicity aid ongoing, real-time war crimes and collective punishment, we don’t share values.

So the question of what Elyse, or any influencer, owes us, could be left there. The answer as simple as the economy of our attention. But it became more complicated for her when she was identified as the next “target” for censorship contravention.

Because the same platform that viciously censors BIPOC creators and the voices of oppressed people, benevolently made her famous (great litmus for understanding who is and who isn’t actually oppressed: Who is allowed to have a voice?).

For those who are unaware, I’ll explain. Targeting Elyse’s account was purely strategic. A consequence of our social media landscape, which favours certain propaganda.

First, a large but silent account is selected. Then their videos are flooded with information in the comments. Facts and names, with specific directions not to bully or be aggressive (there may have been outliers, but by and large, this is what was done).

Ultimately, the hope is to break through the algorithm and reach folks whose algorithms mean they are nearly guaranteed to remain ignorant. The amazing thing is that this strategy has worked. People ask questions they previously didn’t know to ask, end up doing research and become informed.

But whether or not the actual influencer says something is not a primary goal. When Jen Hamilton was similarly targeted, it resulted in her doing more research and speaking up (wonderful!) – but this is not typical, nor is it the norm or even the goal.

For awhile after being targeted, Elyse continued to create her regular content (that’s the part that gets me). Then she announced that her own child was having health issues. She then cried about being “bullied” and garnered a mass level of sympathy that, well, darker skinned mothers holding the corpses of their babies in body bags didn’t seem to elicit from her.

Just like Kate Middletown, heir to THE colonial dynasty requesting privacy when it’s convenient, people stand at attention to support an influencer who literally doesn’t give the slightest shit about them but won’t extend the bare bone sympathy to Palestinians who have taken literally nothing from them.

Look, I can’t pretend to know what Elyse, the real person not the TikTok avatar, thinks. Is she really indifferent to the mass murder of children? Is she really too preoccupied with her own child to acknowledge the suffering of others (while continuing to make her other “normal” content)? Is she worried she would lose opportunities and relationships and money if she speaks out? Or maybe, just maybe, she supports this ongoing genocide.

[Trigger Warning: next two paragraphs contain graphic imagery]

Without her saying a god damn thing, these are quite literally the options we have to choose from. So, no, we’re most likely never going to get a satisfying answer to how any silent momfluencers could be unmoved by three dead babies on a hospital floor.

Or by a 12-year-old girl’s legless corpse hanging off a wall. Or a child, face burned beyond recognition, struggling to eat a lollipop. Or the corpses of four children, ages ranging from toddler to about eight, sharing a stretcher on a hospital floor because there is no time or space to give them more dignity. Or a pregnant mother being bulldozed until the fetus becomes exposed. Or a child screaming in agony, begging for their arm back. Or a girl, both legs amputated, saying she her dream is still to grow up and become a human right lawyer, only to later be killed in another bombing. Or a young boy, shell shocked, cleaning up the liquified remains of his family off the floor after their home was bombed. Or the two little girls, 6 and 8, who were executed point blank while trying to retrieve water from just outside their family’s home.

[End Trigger Warning]

I cannot possibly claim to know why Elyse chose to cry, flee and maintain her silence rather than simply acknowledge what is being called a war on children – or just continue to ignore it.

And I don’t know, because I don’t fucking know her. And neither do you. And even though she made a relatable video two years ago and made me think she was wholesome and humble and kind, I don’t actually know anything about what goes on in her head.

Whether one believe she owes us an explanation or not, we only get to determine who she is to us based on what she chooses to show. And she’s shown me that she’s the kind of person who chooses her own comfort when the stakes are higher than high. Not my kind of people.

By the way, I do have empathy for both Elyse and Kate’s personal issues. But if people are outraged that TikTok made Elyse uncomfortable while she facing a kid’s health challenge… Or that Kate Middleton was forced to disclose medical information she had wanted to wait to share with her children…

…But not outraged that at least 17,000 children in Gaza are now orphans; that more than 10 Palestinian children lose a limb daily; and that well over 13,000 have been murdered with the financial backing and “moral” complicity of our governments…

Why is that?

The world should not be expected to refrain from using tactics that may save the lives of mothers and children across the world – just to spare the feelings of one white momfluencer.

And if the worst social media fate that Elyse Myers meets is that she can no longer be famous… Is that so bad?

Plus, I bet she’ll be back.

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A Note: My writing is MY opinion. You are not obligated to share it. I welcome respectful, dissenting opinions and often learn something from you amazing folks! But every time I hit publish, I get a few unhinged, even violent, messages. If that’s something you’re interested in doing, I can’t stop you. But I will screenshot it, find your name and share your details publicly. If what you send is depraved enough, I’ll email your workplace. If you threaten me or my family, I’ll report you.

And if you think you’re anonymous, know this: I’m very good at figuring out who you are. I’ve done it before, just ask Linda Murray who runs Dynamic Rebalance in Illinois. She threatened my friend and her family for attending a protest, thinking she was completely anonymous. LOL. So take a moment, as you raise good humans, to think about whether what you’re writing is kind.