On motherhood, the state of the world, and closing the doors to my business.
When the world expands again, some doors close.
The first year of motherhood was different than I’d expected. Of course you can’t really understand until you’re knee deep in sleepless nights and a love that manifests into the worst anxiety you’ve ever known. I’d never felt less like “me.”
Somewhere in between my first and second baby, I started this business. It felt like a rallying cry to acknowledge how big the call to motherhood really is; to start the journey with the reverence, and armament, it deserves.
I started this business with the full force of my energy behind it. As it turns out, I have had friendships, jobs and even family members that have not outlasted it. Because the last 5 years, in particular this year, have completely changed me.
When I started OTM, I believed I could save me (and that this was a worthy pursuit). Frankly, I had bought into the whole business babe / spiritual girly pipeline not seeing it for the cult it truly is (much like any of our beliefs, religious or otherwise, may tend to be if we examine them honestly).
But boy oh boy, was it ever the cult I needed. I had built a life where my friends, my extended family and my job reinforced my own belief in my unworthiness. Then I combined that with early, new motherhood, which is already an isolated time.
It’s just you, a baby’s chubby arm, an unfamiliar body… Who’s face is that in the mirror? During this time it’s only natural to fixate on the self. Your world is small. And the problems on your shoulder, while mundane and universal, are the single most important you will ever face. And you are changing.
In a late stage capitalist landscape it’s easy to convince ourselves that our problems are individual. So it’s easy to see how a I arrived at the idea that a solution within this framework could help.
For many years I felt passionate about chipping away at the beginning part. That helping new mothers and birthing folks prepare for the first days and weeks of physical recovery would have a positive impact on the larger experience.
But I had no idea how much I would change during the five years that I co-ran this business. Actually, I had always been there underneath and was just living in a deeply unaligned way.
As any small business owner can tell you, it’s never really just business. It’s actually very personal. Our small businesses often reflect our internal world; our inner and deepest beliefs. So early on, earnest as it was, it was also deeply tied to all of these unworthiness issues that becoming a mother had surfaced.
Then last fall, One Tough Mother co-hosted a large scale event focused on motherhood, which took place during the first couple months of the Palestinian genocide. I see this as the turning point.
For four years all I had ever wished for was for this business to save me from my circumstances. Get me out of my shitty job. Prove myself worthy, etc.
And there I was, the business finally had a steady enough income. I was getting huge attention because I had some feminist content that had gone viral. And I was hosting this incredible event with people I love and respect.
But the whole time I could only think of the larger state of the world. Myself, my motherhood, myopia… No, it felt like the matrescence was coming to an end.
My world wasn’t small anymore. All those problems I experienced? Well, it was undeniable that our broken and corrupted systems created many of them – and that no one individual could possibly fix them.
We can’t manifest, girl-boss or capitalize ourselves out of the state of a world that would kill children to maintain its interest in destroying our planet.
So after the event I posted my sympathies for the mothers in Gaza and was met with an outcry of response. Many expressed that they felt the same heavy grief watching the extent of human suffering, but others, many so-called mothers, attacked me. And a lot of friends kind of disappeared.
As the months rolled on, as the death count now reaches a staggering estimated 186,000+ innocent civilians, I see many of those mothers posting their best lives online and, if applicable, continuing to sell whatever the fuck it is they sell.
But I have not been able to. Just as I have not been able to enjoy beautiful moments with my children without also seeing the dismembered, shredded corpses of children in Gaza. Now in Lebanon, too. And I sure the fuck have not been able to come online, smile and ask you to buy a postpartum care kit.
Now, this is not a judgement on small businesses continuing to run. We all have to make it in this cruel, capitalist system. And I see many people running their businesses with a beautiful equilibrium of the stuff that has to happen to put food on the table, and standing on real business and human rights.
Please make sure to support those businesses.
But I no longer believe that my role in this world is to provide an individual solution to systemic problems. Being a mother is the most important thing I have ever or will ever do, and the state of our current world is hell bent on making sure we never step into its real power.
It’s invested in ensuring that we look at white, privileged momfluencers who have stayed silent during a genocide of kids, and allow them to reinforce the idea that motherhood is miserable because… What? It just is?
It loves for us, especially the white mothers with privilege, to never grow out of the myopia of those days when our world was heavy, but small. Because when we, figuratively, never leave that period, we never get to the part where we ask why things are the way they are.
Why are we letting our earth burn? Why are men killing and raping women? Their own wives? Why have there been more mass shootings than there are days in 2024? Why is corporate greed leaving so many families unable to access the basics? Why is there literal modern day slavery happening in resource-rich countries? Why is transphobia rising? Why are your favourite celebrities engaged in such dark, nefarious activities? Why are newspapers and politicians brazenly lying to us? Why have four separate people self-immolated – this year, alone? Why are we standing by and allowing children to be massacred?
Both of my kids are now school-aged. While early motherhood was a process of unraveling my own life, these are now the questions that define me. They reflect an overall expansion of my world, of which both early motherhood and this business have been a necessary part.
But today I also grieve the larger world that I thought I lived in. I grieve who I thought I was, and the belief that most people have a humanity that would be considered basically decent.
For the rest of my life I will grieve every child, from Gaza to Congo to Turtle Island, who has had their childhood stolen, in myriad ways, by this depraved system of imperialism and colonization and white supremacy.
Ultimately, the silence, justification and gaslighting that surrounds the immense cruelty and violence of a genocide of children has rendered me unable to return to “business as usual.” So I won’t. And I never will.
To everyone who has supported this business, in any way: THANK YOU
We will officially ‘close our doors’ at year end, Dec 31, 2024. Until then, we’ll be selling the remaining inventory. At the time of writing, there are less than 20 full kits still available; their shelf life is 18 months.
We will also be donating individual products (everything from menstrual pads to perineal spray) that do not fit into pre-made kits. If you have any recommendations for where those could be needed, that would be much appreciated :)