Is. 8 Vol 4. From Despair to Action: Conscious Parenting Can Change the World
An interview with non-coercive parenting expert, Rythea Lee
This is the final instalment of a four part series. If you have not yet, go back and read:
When I began writing this series last year, I was still deep in the work of healing from a string of challenging years that left me feeling lonely, and like I had failed in a lot of areas in my life.
Becoming a parent had blown open my world. In the handful of years since my first was born, the work was heavy. After all, unpacking our own issues while centring our children is a feat, and discovering who we really are and how we want to navigate this world is destabilizing.
But then the world became less… small. Suddenly I couldn’t think only of myself or even just my own children. Every day for the last nine months I have watched children be burned alive, snipered, beheaded. I’ve watched sobbing parents hold bags of body parts of what remains of their children in their arms.
As our politicians boldly gaslit us, normalizing brutal violence against children, it became hard to focus on anything other than what was happening in the world. The veil had lifted and I began to understand that the suffering we are witnessing is, in ways near and far, punctuated by my lifestyle.
Children in Congo mining with their bare hands in brutal and deadly conditions so we can have iPhones. Diamonds. Bananas. The enduring consequences of the enslavement trade, thriving in the institutions we’re commanded to support. Police brutality. Cop cities. The arms trade. The war machine. Residential schools, where in my lifetime this country murdered hundreds of Indigenous children. Fascism. The world on fire. AI. And on and on.
When I truly understood, I started to feel crazy.
But this final piece is not about that. Because even that feeling I experienced when I lost reality as I knew it reflected privilege. To have been able to buy into the veneer of this lie for over three decades means my life, regardless of any challenges I may have experienced, was frictionless enough to not have been fully aware.
But for those of us who now notice, and who are in visceral pain at the extent of depravity and human suffering around us, because of us, it’s easy to get lost in despair. How the fuck will we ever fix any of this?
At times it feels absurd, like we’re being tasked with ending systems upon systems of violence and oppression while we race against the clock of climate change… I feel that every day. So I’m left with only two reflections worth sharing.
The first is that in this world, we have unfortunately made human life cheap. That can either steal the entirety of our joy, or it can liberate us to find small pockets of real freedom in our existence.
If we can feel gratitude for the cuddles, the giggles, the chubby arms, and cultivate the skill of letting the beautiful moments in our lives land as much and as often as possible – well, in those moments, even in this world, we can have something real.
The second is to stop being so fucking defeatist. We can’t change it all overnight. That’s clear. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have big, impactful work to do. For nine months I have marched, emailed and argued with people who justify genocide. Now I see these will not be the mechanisms of change.
Our politicians don’t work for us. Our communications platforms are designed against us. The older generation, still with the chokehold on political power, says they just want to live out their remaining days in “peace,” largely checked out about what they’re leaving us… So where, exactly, does that leave us?
On one hand, it’s time we focus on community building. It’s time to cultivate a real sense that we each owe one other something. Time to learn how to keep each other safe – to fight poverty and oppression in our own backyards – so that we may retain the power to do more to keep everyone, everywhere safe in the years to come.
But as parents, I think we are also in a unique position. We can literally choose to change the world. Too often we are conditioning our children for a brutal, ugly reality… But what if we invested more time in building a different one?
What if we imagined a world unencumbered by rigid patriarchal standards and disgusting white supremacy? What if, instead of believing we need to train our children to suffer or survive, we raised them in a more equitable, loving reality?
That’s exactly what Rythea Lee does with non-coercive parenting. This school of parenting is rooted in the belief that empowerment, change and liberation start at home by deconstructing the hierarchies that live behind our closed doors.
I’m honoured to share with you a conversation with Rythea Lee, who is a beautiful model of the kind of parenting that honours our children as individuals who are worthy of consent, respect and unconditional love.
If you’re a parent who is in distress about the current state of the world, please read this, as I do, with an urgent sense of hope and a gentle call to action:
The following conversation with Rythea Lee has been edited for clarity and context
How would you describe 'non-coercive parenting'? What is it, and what isn't it?
Non-coercive parenting is an approach that considers the child to be equal in value. Therefore, the parent treats the child’s wants, needs, opinions and desires as equally important to their own.
It’s about coming out of a “power-over” dynamic, and moving into a relationship that is collaborative. Coercion puts a wedge between child and parent. It causes the child to fear the parent and have to protect themselves against the connection. This is harmful to the relationship, causing long-term separation and pain.
Non-coercion is about approaching the child with all the respect and care you do with an adult that you love. That doesn’t mean you don’t guide and teach your child about life – you do! But you don’t do it with an intention to mold, control, and keep your kid from pushing your buttons.
Our children trigger our worst memories and experiences from childhood, and parents have the power to just make their kids do whatever they want so that they never have to examine that.
Non-coercion is part of conscious parenting where the parent has to look at their own issues instead of just controlling their kids as a way to avoid emotions, memories and stress.
Similarly... How, if at all, is non-coercive parenting different from the current, popular version of "gentle” or “respectful" parenting (understanding that when these styles are practiced properly they're more closely aligned with authoritative, rather than permissive, parenting)?
Most parenting, even some gentle parenting approaches, are actually aligned in some ways with authoritarianism. Parents believe they have to “get” the child to do this or that, or “get” them to not do this or that.
The child must say please and thank you, brush their teeth, leave the house on time, make their bed, clean their room, use certain words, not other words, maintain eye contact… As it gets further in, parents control what kids eat, wear, who their friends are, and even what they value.
Many parents believe good parenting is when their child behaves in ways that the parent deems acceptable, but this paves the way for abusive and harmful dynamics for the child. It also plants seeds of destructive patterns within the parent/child relationship.
Power struggles, punishments, consequences, threats, and even physical harm is considered normal and is expected in our society. Non-coercion flies in the face of that expectation. It points to something so much more loving, easy, playful, and mutual.
But to be clear: Non-coercive parenting is not permissive parenting. It requires deep engagement and connection. Where permissive parenting is hands-off, non-coercive parenting involves guiding, modelling, spending time, sharing, playing, and exploring together.
How did you begin this journey? I think it's so interesting that you started when your daughter was five. How did you introduce it to her and what could she understand at such a young age?
I had controlled her eating, her video usage, her bedtime – her timing in general. I was very loving and playful, and I understood that she needed attention for her big feelings, but I said no a lot, and I did not understand the power differential.
My daughter starting hiding sweets and eating them in the bathroom at age five. By that point, I had been listening to Vivek Patel’s videos about non-coercion for a year or two.
When I caught her sneaking from me, something clicked. I realized I was either going to have to control her more and more… Or, I could take the controls off and begin a whole other kind of parenting journey, which is what I chose.
On that note, is it ever too late for a parent to begin?
No, it’s never too late. Even if your children are grown. It’s an approach, an intention, not a set of protocols.
You've shared instances where your daughter has checked your tone. I'm interested in how that feels, and how it affects the parent/child dynamic?
I love when she does that! She’s always right! Non-coercion is really hard. Sometimes, I just can’t do it and then she tells me clearly, “Mom, that is judgmental and pushy and it doesn’t feel good.” It wakes me out of my trance.
I feel like I’ve really succeeded when she [calls me out]. It actually opens our hearts and causes us to be closer because I validate her and say, “You’re right, I’m sorry.”
Like any parent, sometimes I have to go take a break to figure out how to get out of my shitty mood or controlling state. I have to hand off to my partner when I can’t figure out how to do better.
As a parent, how do you enforce rules – or do you? You mentioned that when your daughter was younger it was hard because it may have looked kind of chaotic to outsiders who didn't understand. What about issues of safety? I can think of things that would feel really scary, especially when my kids enter their teenage years (after all, so much of our desire to control comes from fear, right)?
I try really hard not to have any rules. There are a few, like I have to go to work everyday and she has to go to her Dad’s house half the time. Other than that, I try not to have rules.
The thing is, now that we have established such a mutually loving and fun relationship, she wants me to have what I want. So we collaborate and negotiate all the time to make sure we both get what we want.
If she doesn’t want to go to the store with me, maybe I can go later when my partner is home. Or we can also stop at a store she likes. Or, sometimes she’ll go even though it’s a bummer for her. Other times I just won’t go because it’s not that important.
Our closeness is more important than any logistics, and, yet, our closeness makes logistics easier!
I used to worry about her being a teen but now I see that non-coercion will keep us connected. She won’t have to sneak or hide things or get around me to get to what she wants.
She tells me everything. We talk about everything! That is how we keep our kids safe.
Is there anything else that is important to know about non-coercive parenting?
Non-coercive parenting goes against everything we’ve been taught in a patriarchal society that wants to create little workers who will keep the economy going.
Non-coercion calls into question all systems of control and power. That is exactly what we need in order to create children and people who are awake to bigotry, marginalization, and white supremacy.
We need to point to and dismantle domination behaviour first at home, in ourselves, in all our relationships, and then systemically. If we oppress our kids at home, we cannot break down a system that oppresses us all.
My daughter is very awake to sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia, fat phobia, etc, because we talk about power dynamics all the time.
How could we possibly discuss this with her in a sane way if we were forcing her to be and act the way we deem acceptable, not allowing her to be her own person with her own values?
Rythea Lee is a counselor with a private practice in Northampton, MA, and counsels people all over the country through phone sessions. She is a trauma specialist, has her Masters in Spiritual Psychology and is certified as an InnerBonding(R) counselor. She hosts a podcast, Your Kids Don’t Suck, and runs a non-coercive, conscious parenting support group. For more, visit: rythea.com
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